An Ode to Disappointment
By Betty G @Sexinthe6ix
2018 started off like most years, full of promise and excitement. I was excited, and in full-on “business mode”! I had an exciting side-business launching that spring and things were indeed off to a great start. On the personal side, well—I am definitely still single. Not for lack of trying. But yes, single.
S. I. N. G. L. E.
Disclaimer: This is not a plea for a boyfriend or an all-call for private messages that begin (and end) in “Hey there, beautiful.” I am not lonely. I am not distressed about being single. I am not worried if I never find anyone. I would like to, don’t get me wrong. And I know I am really, finally, ready for someone to be in my life full-time, but I am definitely not desperate for just anyone.
I’ve done so much work on myself, dug deeper than I have ever dug. I understand my emotions, I embrace them. I love who I am, inside and out. It may have taken 38 years, but better late than never, right?? This type of self-work takes dedication and patience and kindness and most of all, forgiveness. So when I attempt dating someone and they come across as self-aware as I am (continuously trying to be!), I get excited and I throw myself at them, expecting them to see how wonderful I am, expecting them to want all of me, expecting them to see me for all the quirks and scars and amazing things I have to offer.
And then, they reject me. Yes, I said it. Rejected. Me.
But I’m so loving, I’m so much fun, I have an awesome career, I make a decent living, I have my shit together, a sound mind and strong body, I am passionate, I am romantic, I am thoughtful, I am all of these things and so much more - so why are they rejecting me?? It stings. It hurts. It makes me question all the work I’ve done so far. Maybe I haven’t done enough or maybe I’m too much and not enough, at the same time...
I’m not going to name any names in this post, I am not going to detail the demise of some, what I thought were, really great connections. Mainly because it all happened over the course of a year and I don’t want to rehash every detail, although I may think of one or two of these people, often, I am moving along in the opposite direction - mine. I am writing this, because as my friend reminded me, it helps clear my head and I’m sure many of you reading will relate to feeling all of this too. And maybe I can help pull you (and myself) out of that self-doubt.
Our friends try to console, “They’re an idiot to not see how amazing you are,” etc. etc. And that may be true, but they are our friends, we’re supposed to say shit like that to our friends. What we really want is the person we are attracted to, that oh so perfect person, to want us back...but they don’t and the reasons can be vast. I’ve heard them all:
“You are *insert any positive adjective*, but I’m just not ready for a relationship.”
“I’m just dating, I can’t commit to just one person.”
“I’m just not sure what I want right now.”
“My life is just too busy right now.”
Busy? So am I! The difference is, I make time for someone, because that’s what you do when you’re genuinely interested and care about someone, you make them apart of your life, busy or not. Come up with a better excuse. As you can tell that one annoys the fuck out of me.
But, you know what? I’ve used that and similar excuses before to get out of talking to someone who I just wasn’t into. Sometimes it’s just as simple as that - I’m just not that into you (someone wrote a best seller on that phrase already, damnit!) I wish I had the courage, in the past, to just say that. I apologize to anyone I’ve used those bullshit excuses on. It’s cowardly, and does not save or protect anyone’s feelings, in the end.
I digress, I’ve had more than a few disappointments this year. There were some ‘friends’, who let me down, in ways that hurt me deeply. There was a couple of boys, pretending to be men, (in the hopes of some ass), try to trick me. And there were a couple of really good men who me over-the-moon excited about them, but just couldn’t dive deep enough with or for me. And it sucks. All of it.
But I’m not going to let the disappointment define me. I’m not going to let it jade my spirit. I’m not going to let it close me off to opportunities to make new friends. I’m not going to compare the next man to the ones who hurt me before. I’m not going to let it manifest into desperation and regret. I’m going to keep loving, keep giving, keep wishing, keep listening to my intuition, keep believing in magic and possibilities. And I’m going to keep writing.
Relationships are hard. Share your thoughts with us!