Get Intimate With Yourself—One Word At A Time
By Christine Mardirian
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” -Maya Angelou
For as long as I could remember, I would always find refuge in writing down my thoughts and feelings under the false pretense that it was me against the world and that no one else would possibly understand how I was feeling.
However, as I grew older, it dawned on me that it wasn't me against the world as much as it was the world against itself.
As someone with their fair share of insecurities, talking about them to someone or anyone always left me feeling more vulnerable than relieved—the problem was no longer my thinking that the other person wouldn't understand, but rather my not wanting to feel emotionally vulnerable and spiritually exposed.
Which is also the case as I write this; feeling like admitting that I do in fact have insecurities, will make them more real than they already are and will leave me at the mercy of whoever is reading this as they pass their judgements on my thoughts and feelings.
The allure of writing is being able to bare your soul one thought at a time without worrying about rambling on incessantly, boring your confidant or overusing their invitation to open up to them—it's just you, your words, and a blank piece of paper (or in this case, a blank blog post).
One of my favorite aspects of writing is being able to retrace every single one of my thoughts, no matter how often I'd drifted away. It's unbelievably therapeutic being able to go over your own words with a clear mind—you're your own worst critic, so imagine how self-reinforcing it is being able to read yourself out of your angst or read yourself into nostalgia time and time again.
Not long ago, I’d stumbled upon journals I’d kept growing up. I reread old poems I’d written, song lyrics from when I was convinced I’d grow up to be a singer, happy memories from a life that seems too far back in the past to be mine, and unhappy memories which I’d compartmentalized over the years.
All of those words left me with goosebumps crawling up and down my skin.
It felt like a different era. I don’t recall feeling most of what I’d written down and yet at the time they encompassed every single thought I had at the time; they made my world go round.
It was bittersweet retracing all of those thoughts, but more than anything, it was unbelievably humbling.
I’d never shared any of my writings because my writings were always just that...MY writings.
Much like I'd never been comfortable talking through my thoughts and feelings, the thought of sharing my words cast the same cloud of vulnerability over me.
It wasn't until I'd related to and found relief at the hand of other people's writings that I was encouraged to start sharing my own in hopes of, in turn, being a breath of fresh air for whoever is in need of one.
And so, if you feel like you’re carrying a heavy weight on your shoulders, write it off.
If you have a mind that wanders, write about the different journeys it embarks on.
Write about anything you want so long as you do so wholeheartedly.
Dare to embrace your inner writer.